I've tried starting this blog post many times and each time I get caught up in the details of the current part of the story that I'm living. Focusing on these details doesn't help, the big picture gets lost in the telling of the details. My unexplored and wild retirement trails have lead me to the death of a parent, and taking over for all the needs of another parent-all from a distance of 583 miles away. It's the part of retirement that doesn't come up first in someone's thinking, it's something that doesn't come up first in most conversations with other retirees. But it happens to all of us, the death of a family member. So how did I get here? What happened? Who died? Well, my mom died April 27th, and dad while already in a residential care facility, still needed an advocate for his care, especially since his health is quickly fading. That is the facts, the "big picture". So how did all this happen and what has been going on for the last 7 months? What happened is pretty factual, how to deal with it and all the ramifications-those answers have been anywhere from obvious to "wait and see"...so if you're interested in the story and a bit of details you can continue reading. Otherwise, just know that I've been absent from the blog world dealing with family matters.
My parents lived in a 1500+ square foot house in the suburbs of Sacramento CA. Fifteen years ago my dad had a stroke that greatly affected the left side of his body. Over the years the right side got worse as it was trying to compensate for the left side not working. His care became too great for mom to continue so she found a residential care facility for dad. This care facility has been where my dad has mostly lived for the last almost 5 years. Over the years my dad was unable to conduct his financial affairs so my mom "took care" of things. Mom continued to live in the primary residence until she died last April. The house was too much for mom to keep up but she refused help from us kids (me and my brother) and she would not hire anyone to help her out. Finally she trusted her bookkeeper to help her with not only her finances but with taking her to doctor appointments or to the store for groceries and putting away the groceries. But no other help was allowed in her life for herself or the house. It became obvious to me and my brother that we needed to have more than the usual discussion about her living situation as it was becoming unsafe for her to continue to stay there by herself. She really needed to be in an assisted living center or to hire continuous help to stay at the house with her. And it was in April that I was going to visit her to have this conversation with her-even though it was going to be very difficult. However, she got sick, taken to the hospital by ambulance, didn't want me or my brother to know...but the bookkeeper got word to us via dad's caretakers. I kept in touch with the hospital as to her condition. She was not able to make decisions for herself, so I took over as Power of Attorney. The doctors said she had been neglecting herself. She had a foot condition that she would refuse treatment for, and a very large ulcer they found that she also refused to have treatment for. I finally talked to her but all she wanted me to do was get her out of the hospital and go back home. I told her I was coming and we would talk more when I got there. I gathered all the information that I could at home. My parents had a lawyer draw up a trust and power of attorney papers for health and finances years ago and I had copies of them. Being the oldest I had the authority to use those papers to make decisions for both of my parents. So I left for CA a few days after she was admitted to the hospital. All the staff at the hospital kept me posted as to her condition and agreed with me that she could not go back to her home, she was being uncooperative and needed to be transferred to a skilled nursing facility. There was no talk of her being anywhere close to death but on the morning that I was driving to CA, she died unexpectedly.
We stayed at my son-in-law's father's house, he's a good friend and provided a wonderful place for us to stay while I dealt with all the details of what happens after someone dies. My parents never wanted a service and they wanted to be cremated. So I arranged that. My brother arrived and stayed with us. Then we had to deal with the house...the 1500+ square foot house that they lived in for over 50 years and never threw anything away. On top of that it was very messy because my mom was unable to take care of herself or it. So we had to clean up the house enough to be able to close it up for a few months until we could return and start the process of selling it. We filled a 20 cubic yard dumpster-and there was still sooooo much more to go through but at least the messy stuff was gone. The bookkeeper offered to come over and help me go through all the papers that were all over the place, figuring out which ones to save and which ones to toss. My daughter that lives in the Auburn area said she could come over once a week and check the mail so that I could keep up on the bills. Neighbors came and said they would keep an eye on the place until we returned in July. One neighbor gave me the number of her gardener so I could have the lawns kept up.
When I returned home I called the realtor that I used to sell my house in that area and he agreed to take us on as clients and to keep an eye on the place as needed. I lined up a lady to run an estate sale and her staff would go through the things in the house throwing out things that were unsaleable-she ended up filling up another 30 cubic yard dumpster. It was at this time of the year that the twice a year special garbage collection happened so I could set stuff out for that when I returned in July-junk collectors come by those piles and take what they want and I ended up setting out more stuff that didn't sell at the estate sale. The estate sale lady gave me the number of a hauler that would come after the sale and take the rest of the stuff to the dump-he ended up taking 60 cubic yards of stuff. I hired a cleaning crew to come in the next day and professionally clean the house. Then we could put the house on the market. All this happened in July.
At the end of July the house went on the market and sold in 3 1/2 hours. Yes, you read that right, 3 1/2 hours. A 7 day closing, $25,000 cash over the asking price, and they paid the closing costs. It was a whirlwind of activity and a relief that the house was sold and all the bills associated with it would be gone.
In order to do any business for my parents I first had to establish the right to do so. That's where the Trust and Powers of Attorneys came in handy. So before selling the house, I had to establish the fact that I had the authority to do business for my parents. I won't go into the details of all the accounts that I had to deal with, but just know this, each business that I dealt with had it's own requirements for establishing the right to speak for my parents. Some business would accept information spoken over the phone and that was enough for them to do as I wanted. Others had many requirements, over a period of many different conversations/faxes/emails and then I could speak for my parents. The first and most important ones were establishing the right to do their banking. After all, the bills still needed to be paid and my dad was unable to do that. It has been almost 5 months now and I'm still dealing with a few accounts that need to be closed. So while on paper, writing this looks like step one happened, then step two happened....reality is all these things are going on at the same time. And at the same time I was dealing with my dad's needs.....
So what's up with my dad? Well, a month before mom died, dad landed in a skilled nursing facility. It turned out that his gall bladder wasn't working, he had a bag attached to his body that drained the bile from his gall bladder and that bag needed to be flushed daily by a nurse because it would plug up and not do it's job. And the residential facility he normally lived in did not have a nurse on staff to flush that tube. Hence he was in a skilled nursing facility. Mom didn't want him to have surgery to have the gall bladder removed, so he just stayed in the skilled nursing facility in limbo waiting to see if the problem would resolve all the while still paying for the residential care facility-they held his spot for him. While he was in there I noticed that mom was not advocating for dad very well, so I took over with my Power of Attorney that dad had drawn up anticipating that mom would not be able to help him. I asked many doctors if my dad could withstand surgery to have the gall bladder removed. Half said if his heart and lungs checked out as fine, it should be fine as a laparoscopic surgery. The other half said no he was too old, and being a quadrapalgic with Parkinson's didn't make him a good surgical candidate. So I started the process to get all the doctor appointments done for a maybe surgery. In the meantime, mom died. Telling dad that mom had passed away was difficult, no details needed here. Dad had always wanted the house to be sold and mom to move into an assisted living facility. Now that mom was gone I could sell the house for dad.
As time went on, we got all the doctor appointments accomplished for the maybe surgery, but it was taking too much time to get to the final surgery date, his 100 days of medicare coverage was coming to an end and we would have to pay out of pocket for the skilled nursing. So I had dad moved back to his residential care facility and we hired a nurse to flush his tube. The cost of doing that was less than staying in the skilled nursing facility. Dad had wanted to move back to his old place and he wanted the gall bladder to be removed so he could get rid of the bag. When the surgery was to happen in late August I flew down to sign him into the hospital and spend some time with him. However, on the day of the surgery, his heart was deemed too weak and the surgery never happened. In order for him to have continuing care, to be able to stay on his many medications, and to live in his preferred place, I had to put him on hospice. There were many details involved in that process and it was a very long day at the hospital (from 5am-4pm) and involved another trip to his general practitioner the next day, but it was all done. The owners of his normal residential care facility are wonderful people. They really care for their clients and bend over backwards for them. There were many times that I could not be there for some of dad's appointments and they would step in for me, even though he was still in the skilled nursing facility. These wonderful people told me that they felt it was time to put dad on hospice and they were going to have this discussion with me in the near future. However, the events of the cancelled surgery had made the hospice decision the only choice left for dad so it was done.
Here is where the situation sits now. Dad is doing okay physically but mentally he is declining fast. He has a form of dementia that affects his ability to think through decisions, to understand the repercussions of those decisions, and it affects his understanding of what is reality and what is "wishful thinking". I keep in touch with him every few days. He is glad to be back at his normal living place and seems to be happy. Hospice comes daily to take care of his needs and the owners of the facility and I talk on a weekly basis.
I have to say that this journey has been a difficult one. There have been times that I don't know what to do, and times that I always knew how I would handle a certain situation. I have to say that my faith really plays into this. It has been amazing to see how things come together. I usually wake up in the morning and say I wonder how this day will go and I'm curious to see how it will work out. Notice I said usually, some days I worry some, but it's comforting to know that I have a God that provides and guides me in all situations. If I took all this on without my faith I would probably be distressed, worried, anxious, pushy all the time. I've gotten a lot of support from my friends and family and I've felt the results of their prayers. There are too many times that things came together that were more than just a coincidence. That's where all the details come into play in this story. If I told all of those details this blog would go on and on and on..... So that is why I've been missing from my blog for a while. And this story will continue for a while. When something develops, I'll let you know.
