Dad was in hospice care at the residential facility that he really liked. The couple that took care of him were (and still are) wonderful people-Didi and Daniel. Dad had a dementia that affected his ability to think through things carefully and he sometimes got reality mixed up with "wishful thinking". As the months went by his memory got worse but he always knew who I was, he understood that he was at the end of his life. He would say "this dying is hard work". As time went on I decided to see him on a monthly basis and would fly down for the day to spend some time with him. We would talk about the "hardness" of dying, how he was feeling physically and mentally, how his doctor/nurse visits were going. I would stay for a meal and I'd feed him as he couldn't do it himself. We would remember family stories of us kids growing up-the laughter and the sad times, he would share memories of his youth and the adventures he had growing up in New York and Cape Cod, driving across the country many times, his times in Alaska while in the army. Sometimes we would just sit still and I'd hold his hand as he would fall asleep, or I would wheel him out to the backyard to look at the beautiful flowers...so many memories. I wish I had written them all down. It was at this time in his life that I learned the most about him. I never knew what he was going to say, sometimes it was funny or sometimes it was sad. He had many questions that I couldn't answer. But he did have faith in God and we both knew that we didn't need to know all the answers to these hard questions. We could trust our future to the God who loves us. He loved to have the Bible read to him so at every visit I would read some, and we would always pray before I left.
He ended up in the hospital twice as the tube to his gall bladder bag became disconnected from his body. It was after the second hospital visit that he said he didn't want to ever go back to the hospital, even it the tube fell out again. Those hospital trips were very hard on him and would take all day for him to get back home. We talked about what could happen if it stayed out. He still didn't want to go back. So I made the decision that he wouldn't go back and he would stay home and be made comfortable what ever situation came up. And we continued with our monthly visits.
His birthday was in June and I planned to come on his birthday. He looked forward to it. He turned 89 years old. We planned a birthday party, just Dad, the caretakers and me. Didi made his favorite birthday cake, I stopped by the store and picked up decorations and balloons. Dad got to wear a kingly crown and we all had party hats. The smile on his face was so big. We had a grand time. He really enjoyed his day. I treasure the pictures of that day, especially since it was the last day that I got to see him. By the end of the month he was gone.
I never knew if I would be there when he passed and as it turned out I wasn't there. I would call him at least once a week and towards the end I would call him every few days. He would talk about his birthday party, he really liked it. I was on a trip with the grandkids to a cabin in a remote part of Oregon-out of cell phone reach. And as I was driving, before I lost cell service, the hospice nurse called to say she thought his end was near, probably in the next couple of days-then she called back an hour later to say she thought it would be in the next few hours. There was no way I could have gotten there, there was not enough time. Dad had many medical things happen at once. The hospice nurse gave him meds to make him comfortable and we all waited. I continued to the cabin and I found a way to keep in phone contact. I was able to call and talk to dad but he couldn't talk very well. Didi said he did understand that it was me on the phone. I was able to read him one of his favorite Psalms, Psalm 23, and I could pray with him. The next time I called he could no longer talk but I did all the talking. The next morning he was gone.
When I was little, we had a cabin in the Sierras that we went to all the time. I spent many summers and a few winters there. My dad really liked it. So here I was in this cabin in Oregon, with the grandkids-the future generation-remembering my dad. We did things that he would have done in the cabin when I was growing up. I was a good way to honor him. And it was good that I was away from everything, it gave me time to reflect and mourn. I couldn't get the ball rolling on things that happen after someone passes away. It was a peaceful place.
Since then I've been dealing with the steps it takes to close all accounts, the steps it takes to administer the trust. There has been many things that have again taken time to get established, prayer and perserverance - I've had lots of practice in the last few years with these things. I've made many friends through this process. There have been many people that have come along side of me to help and guide me through every issue. I think of the circumstances of the last few years and I have soooo many thoughts. Every day I think of something connected to these events. It has been a great adventure that has shown me so much about life, people, myself, God. Usually one doesn't wish for hard things to go through, I know it's not my first choice, but on the other side I see so many things that I would not have seen otherwise. To write about all those things would take up too much time in this blog; maybe insights will "leak out" as time goes on. Anyway, now that I have more time to do other things-I hope to keep up better with this blog. Thanks for listening.
